in the blog post right before I left for England I wrote
about how I was going to “go forward,” be all in for that internship. I
suddenly find the words I wrote a couple of weeks ago being pointed back at me,
daring me to actually practice what I preach.
I think about the words of J.R.M “A man is made for struggle
and effort, not for ease and loitering.” I have been lacking even the
motivation to go forward. sometimes it is hard to fathom how going backward is
the way God wants me to go forward. it’s a paradox I cannot wrap my mind
around. try drawing this out, moving backwards to go forwards. the closest I
came to it was drawing a circle…but that didn’t seem to make sense either. which is the point. it doesn’t make sense.
I am not made for ease and loitering but for struggle and
effort; effort that makes me move backwards when in reality God is moving me
forward. as I have been meditating on these thoughts over the past couple of
weeks God graciously revealed the answer to me last Thursday: TRUST.
one of the pastors at my church is trying to teach his
children that good things will come when they trust their dad. every once in a while
he will tell one of his boys to get in the family truck. sometimes his son
fights back telling his dad he doesn’t want to get in the truck. my pastor
always tells his son, “trust me. daddy knows. get in the truck.” when his son
gets in the truck they will go somewhere wonderful, like coldstone. one time,
after telling his son to trust him and get in the truck, he took his son to Disneyland.
what does being made for struggle and effort mean? how do I
seek the things of the resurrection life when they currently seem far from me?
I get in the truck (metaphorically speaking). I realized that the experiences of
the past weeks have shown me struggle. shown me what it looks like to
continually put effort into a project that only moves backwards. it looks like
trust. not a blind trust. not a trust based on feelings (or lack of feelings)
which stem from circumstances. rather, a trust rooted in an understanding of
God’s word and His promises.
next week I will start working 4 days a week at my city’s
local homeless shelter. I will be their unofficial intern. my duties vary, but
I will learn. my prayer is that I learn why God wanted me home this summer. why
God wanted me to complete my school internship after I have graduated. last
week I was trying to understand and listen to God, but it was difficult;
feelings of hurt kept welling up. I did not want to listen to God. then the
thought hit me: God has something to teach you this summer, don’t you want to
know what it is?
so, this is a summer of trust. trust rooted in a
Biblical reality, not an influx of feelings flowing from circumstances.
Summer Lesson 1: Proverbs 3:5-6
