I
am taking a class called "Holocaust and the Crisis of Evil" as my
theology elective here at Moody. It is a last minute choice I will never
regret. as I was sitting in class (during the useless 10min before the lecture
actually starts) late yesterday afternoon the classroom began to get louder and
louder as each student vied to be heard in their individual
conversations.
I
don't know exactly what I was expecting, but the noise chaos of chatting peers
was not how I expected a class called "Holocaust and the Crisis of
Evil" to begin. I think deep down inside I was expecting an air of quiet
reverence; the absence of which, surprisingly, startled me.
I
am not usually this quirky when it comes to classes...maybe. for some reason
though, this class seemed to demand a sort of respect from me. I was at a loss
of how to give it. participating in the loud greetings and chats did not seems
to fulfill the request. so I sought peace from the only place I could find it.
my phone. yes, and I admit this rather embarrassingly, I went on facebook...and
instagram...and checked my email. twice. I found peace in slipping away to a
world within my own. I could “zone out" in a socially acceptable way. no
questions asked.
reflecting
on this blurb in my day, I wondered why my peace needed to be found there. why could I not find
some sort of reverent peace amongst the chaos of a classroom for 10min without
going on my phone? I found the answer.
I
don't know how. I don't know how to find peace without a crutch. iphone=crutch. I have forgot what real peace is. and joy has been the casualty of my fallout with peace.
I
have taught myself to manufacture peace. my phone, a blessing in many ways, has
also been my biggest enabler* I have realized that this manufactured peace
affects many areas of my life. one, apparently, being what others think of me.
I want a socially acceptable peace. a peace I can seclude myself in without
getting strange looks. one being real peace. another joy. which brings me to
the point of this post. I miss peace and joy. not the socially acceptable
kinds, although those have their place as well. I miss the peace and joy that
are constants and remain that way no matter what. the kind of joy that stays
even when I miss the sprinkles tweet. the kind of peace I feel after a good
conversation with my heavenly Father. not the kind that comes with a canceled
assignment, and flees when thoughts of coming assignments creep in.
In
Holocaust class I began thinking (a wonderful habit I seemed to have picked up
somewhere in my college years), when did I lose my peace and joy? I can’t
recall, but I plan to rediscover them.
In
small group on my floor this week we will be talking about Shabbat. sabbath. resting. finding peace and joy in a never ending chaos of school, friends, ministry, activities: life. I feel inadequate at the thought of
trying to elucidate a topic I feel I have failed so miserably at. but, the
mercies of the Lord are new every day. and today is a new day.
a cup of hot water and an unfortunate incident with my iphone was the inspiration
for this post. I, apparently, am taking a forced Sabbath from my peace crutch.
I want to see this as the Lord graciously giving me an opportunity to step away
from the peace I have been manufacturing, from fleeting joy. stepping into his
peace and joy. peace and joy that last through storms. and watery iphone
graves.
*please
be aware. I am not an iphone/facebook/instagram/socialmediaofanykind hater. The
Lord teaches us all in His own way. This is the way He is teaching me, and this
blog is a medium through which I can share those lessons. If you have an
iphone. good you. if you don't... whatever.
