I found myself in the thick of it without even realizing it had started. perhaps I should have been clued in that it would be when I left too late for breakfast and had to come back to my room cause I didn't have time to eat before my 7:35am class. or I should have realized I was in a foreshadowing of it when I didn't have time to make coffee this morning (even though I, theoretically, should have had plenty of time cause I didn't go to breakfast). a major clue should have been when it took me 1 hour to read 10pages of a book, causing me to necessarily skip lunch and a meeting. I was definitely picking up clues of its presence when my afternoon class got out 5min late and I didn't catch the prof I TA for which means I have no idea what I am supposed to do for work tomorrow (and thursdays are her days off...). all of this, however, is neither here nor there. because, by 2:22pm I knew. I was in the thick of a bad day.
the realization hit me as I was scraping the bottom of the soup pot for lunch (try #2) and my friend Ricky looked at me and said "yuck." which was of course the only appropriate thing to say when one watches a friend desperately try to scrape the cold remains of white chicken chili after the normal lunch rush has already come through. by the by, after I finished the remains of this (supposedly) yummy chili did I realized that, while I was concentrating on coaxing the soup out of the pot and discouraging the beans from coming into my bowl, fresh sandwiches and wraps had been set out. yay life.
discouraged by my discovery that yummy food had just been set out when I had spent so long trying to get food that at least looked ok, I turned to Ricky and said "I think I am having a bad day." and you know what he told me?
"I think I am too"
and I felt awful.
I hated that someone else was having a bad day. I hated that I was part of that bad day because I was interacting with him. forever I could be in his mind connected with this bad day (dramatic, I know, but track with me). how do you process a bad day in the midst of it? when it becomes clear that you are not just living your own, but have accidentally entered into someone else's?
In the midst of this day was a prayer prayed by one of my professors. I don't remember much of the prayer except that he (ironically) prayed that we would get rest and eat healthy AND he spoke these words.
"fatigue does not suspend Christian virtue"
I wrote them in permanent marker on my arm.
I am tired. tried of having a bad day(s). tired of being stressed. tired of sleeping on top of my books and clothes which are on top of my bed because I have not had time to clean. I am tired of being tired of these things. I did not want to suspend my Christian virtue over these things.... I just wanted to bite everyone's head off.
"suspend Christian virtue" is strong language. but what is it, exactly, when I decide to lay aside the way Christ commands I behave, in order to fulfill my own selfish emotions?
I hate to say really booshie Christian things to make me feel better on my bad days. things such as "God is in control! So when my day goes bad I know it's gonna be ok!" because that's a lie. I don't know it's gonna be ok.
or...
"You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength!" really? I have no strength right now. so is Christ withholding it from me? answer me that one.
I know these things are true. and I am so glad for you if these words help you get you through your bad days. honestly.
but. I have found that when I am having a bad day and things are not going as I planned and I can't accomplish what I need to accomplish, I find it comforting to know that I can accomplish something for God:
Obedience.
"fatigue does not suspend Christian virtue." obeying God in the thick and the thin. keeping quiet when I am in a hurry and want to explode when people walk so slow in the tunnels they might as well be crawling, or when two different students repeatedly repeat the same dumb question in various forms in class, or class goes over by 5min and I miss lunch (for the second time that day).
is God in control. yes
does Christ give us strength. yes
are these things comforting to know that God is doing something for us when days suck. yes.
obedience to Christ, making our goal to please God regardless of external crap, gives a Christian a sense of accomplished consistency on a day all things go wrong.
at least it does for me...
I think I had a bad day... thank goodness I learned today that external circumstances cannot affect my internal choices to obey God.
I Peter 1:13-25
