this blog is not frequented, by anybody. including me.
i abandoned my own blog. in my insomnia (insomniamatic?...i
am altogether mostly unfamiliar with insomnia so) state this feels much more
dramatic than it actually is as the way to solve the blog abandonment problem
is simply for me to begin writing again.
and thus here i am.
i forgot how hard writing can be. and how blogs, due to,
perhaps not necessarily the anonymity but the simplicity of writing down
thoughts, publishing those written yet intangible words and blasting them for
people (or at least those who know me and thus know (maybe) about this (quite
abandoned) blog any other way) can and (in some cases) become a public space
for
- confession
- complaining
- sympathy seeking (the tidy sermon writer in
me wants #3 also to begin with the letter C)- usually due to either one
or both of the above first two.
and while i am sure (as i have read them with my own eyes)
some are able to use their blog in such a way and still maintain their dignity in Christ, that ever present desire and hard-fully wonder-fully obligation to
strive to be like Christ, that is to say Christ-likeness and live up to the name by
which we call ourselves: “Christians”
i believe now, in this moment, i am not able to do both the
above and maintain the above, this may possibly be why writing has been so long
in coming and why i decided to watch a bit of parks and recreation before
attempting this post (nothing so incites inflated courage as leslie knope and
ann perkins).
i shall most likely revert and be forced then to challenge myself to learn the delicate excellence of balance that i find in others.
insomnia update: my computer time says 10:47pm but i know
that it’s being realistically untruthful with me as I am not where it feels I
should be and the fault is entirely mine- i neglected to change to time when i
flew to the east coast.
so today is march 24th and i am getting a rather
early start on my day today and will use this early start to begin my quest to
use each day to the fullest (overused but stick with me).
there are people out there who randomly jump on planes and
go to new york because they want to feel more alive. you know who you are. i’ve
met you before and have so much *insert word that I am feeling here…admiration
and happiness-that-people-like-you-exist-to-share-their-experiences-tion*
there are people out there who decide to ride a camel across
australia by herself, alone(ish), and so she moves and trains three camels, and
rides them across australia. alone(ish). and I would say more but I haven’t
finished the book.
there are people out there who dog-sit their co-worker’s dog
overnight and in that small 24ish hour period learn everything there is to know
about training a dog because they took a dog training class and the class was
in german and now they are fluent in german as well. and so is the dog.
i am not fully sure what sets people in motion to do
inspiring things, or why the things they set out to accomplish inspire others
when all they are doing is what they would be doing regardless of if anyone was
paying attention to their actions.
i decided to find out why people like the above would
provide such inspiration to me specifically and made a list of some common
factors below:
- travel
- do new things
- desire to find oneself and/ or better
oneself
- working with animals (this one is for free as
i don’t want to work with animals)
i feel a little behind. in all the things.
i am not out flying to new york on a whim when i feel dead
inside. i run. hard and slow until there is nothing left in me to sweat out.
because running is safe. not just any running: running in the suburbs, inside a
gym, on a treadmill with a safety-string pull to stop the thing if I fall off.
it’s literally no fail running.
i’m also not out training camels or dogs, or learning how to
navigate my way through australia using only stars and wildflowers. or picking
up german because the skills I needed to learn were being taught in that
language.
i was a wee bit overwhelmed. and took a break.
when i realized it was 11:11pm (somewhere) i made a wish. the
first wish i won’t share because it’s a tad embarrassing to admit that I wished
for something so silly.
so i renounced that first wish then retracted my recant and
hoped it wouldn’t be too greedy to wish as much as i could during the 11:11
minuet of wishing. i closed my eyes and decided it would probably be fine to
wish as much as i could as long as i opened my eyes and it was still 11:11.
i wished i could wake up and be fluent in french. it may
never be as the wish may be void if my sudden bout of insomnia keeps me up all
night. irony at it’s finest. to wish for something to be when i wake up and
never find out if it was (or is or would be) because i was never able to fall
asleep…
during this soul-searching time during 11:11pm on march 23rd
or 2:11am on march 24th (either are fine as the saying “better late
than never” applies to one and “carpe diem” applies to the other and both are
wonderfully overused sayings that i have the thrill of using at the same time).
and for good reason.
things that i have wanted to do for so long i am working
towards. because why not? and although to me it feels like i am arriving late
and trying out dreams too late: better late then never, yes?
could it be also, that I am early? not a year graduated from
college and not taking a breather? one can breathe while one runs. one must or
one dies.
so i continue to run, and i breathe, and i run late, but
still talk myself into being ok because maybe i am early if i look at life from
a next day/ new phase/ old cliché/ new meaning to me sort of way.
and we are all fine.
running, breathing, simultaneously waiting to get in the
zone. to run and run well. to reach the end and hear the words i crave, want,
desire, hope for yet hardly daring to hope for
“well done, good and faithful servant”
being a little Christ.
being a Christian
doing right by Christ
knowing Christ will do right by me
