it's always been fine, I just didn't know it

I am not a consistent blogger because any amount of life sharing often feels (to me) like oversharing. It’s mostly due to pride. I don’t want people to know what I am trying because if I fail, I will have to talk about it and admit I couldn’t hack it. When I write down my failures and see the closed doors looking up at me, they feel heavier and permanently latched. I think of things I want to say, and instead decide to bury it, or hold it, or set it on my bookshelf to forget about.

PRIDE and BURYING FAILURES

I have felt the sometimes overwhelming weight of closed doors and failures the past two years. December 2013, I applied to the Peace Corps. After making it through the first two rounds, I was offered a nomination as a Health Resource Volunteer in Belize, only to be informed during the last round of interviews I would not be receiving an invitation to serve after all. I felt numb that whole summer. I decided to move forward with graduate school plans and began exploring options. Over the years, mental health has become my primary interest; I decided (somewhat naively) to pursue a doctorate in clinical psychology (Psy.D.). It turns out doctorate programs don’t just let anyone in.

I had to take the GRE. I didn’t even know what the GRE was; I had to look it up.

I learned psychology prerequisites were necessary. So I enrolled in community college to gather basic psychology courses.

After working 30+ hours a week and taking 9 credit hours of classes and doing other various things during fall 2014, I was spent. Spring 2015 I had to quit my job because I couldn’t keep up with the demands of work and the demands of class. Once again I felt like a failure; I was so behind I didn’t even have time to wallow.

Between classes, studying for the GRE, and starting yet another job (text books cost $$$), I applied for a social work internship in Jinja, Uganda. After passing through the first round of the application process, I was turned down for the internship. I felt beaten.  

EVEN STILL

I trusted (thanks to strong family support- oh hey parents, you’re the best) that God wanted me to work in the field of mental health and doors would open if I tried to walk through.  

IN SCHOOL

I have been able to take all the classes required at community colleges. Even when the classes I needed were closed, I got in. Even when I had to test into a statistics class, I passed the test. God is opening doors for me to pursue graduate programs in the field of psychology and I am the most excited I’ve ever been. No, really.

IN LIFE

As I was mapping out the coming year, figuring out when prerequisite classes need to be completed and when grad-school applications had to be turned it, I realized I’ll have spring 2016 completely free from academic obligations. I decided to apply to Shelter Youth Hostel Ministry in Amsterdam. After waiting a couple weeks, I received notice that I had been accepted as a 3-month volunteer with a start date of March 1, 2016. God brought me back to His calling on my life of working in cities through this opportunity in Amsterdam.  

IN AWE
God had a perfectly tailored plan the whole time.

When I felt rejected and unheard, God revealed His faithfulness in while showing me how His plan fulfilled the desires of my heart. Much to my chagrin, I still find myself badgering God about the details of His plan instead of listening to Him speak. But He has been faithful, is faithful, and He will continue to be faithful providing opportunities my heart yearns for. 

we love Tim

i have tried to write three different posts since november, all on holidays.

one post was written on thanksgiving while i was home alone watching New Girl and it was no good.
on post was written on mother's day while i was home alone because my mother was out of town and it was no good.
i didn't even get to the post i thought about writing on the 4th of July because i was out of town.

BUT THIS POST IS ABOUT THANKFULLNESS AND MOTHERS (parents actually) AND THE 4TH OF JULY so it's the best of the three thoughts.

on the 4th of July my mother was again going out of town. my sister (carley) and i were going to drive mom to LAX in the morning. carley and i had made flimsy plans of going to the beach or going home or driving to big bear village; but we didn't want to de anything. we felt apathetic about every thing, and sad around the edges, and thirsty for caffeine.

after we dropped mom off at the airport we parked at a nearby hotel where we tried to break into the continental breakfast from the hotel (because hunger) but breakfast was over. so we got coffee (and bagels dangit) from starbucks. i tried to convince carley that Big Bear Village was only 2 hours away, she tried to tell me Knott's Berry Farm was a better choice if we were going to do something.

we chose Knott's because roller-coasters.

we sipped our coffee and i munched our bagel (and ate the whole thing) and mom called to say she was at her terminal. we got in the car and GPSed our way to Knott's.

we drove into Knott's and paid the $17.50 to park and waltzed right up to buy tickets (which we thought were around $40). tickets were not $40, tickets were $67. Should we back out? no, carley said we had come this far and we were going in even if it meant we starved all day long because we couldn't afford to eat.

but when i went to pay for my ticket the absolutely darling ticket guy said "hey, i have extra coupons, so your ticket is only $41." his name was Timothy and carley and i are HUGE fan of his. we looked for him when we left, but seeing as we arrived at 11:am and left at 11:30pm, he wasn't there.

two things we have learned from our parents: always pack a jacket (dad's advice) and always pack snacks (mom's advice). WE HAD NONE OF THOSE THINGS. but bravely walked into the park anyways. it was too late to turn back.

we started a group text with every member of our family to keep them updated on our adventures.

we waited in line for a ride that was way over hyped. but it was the scariest ride of our life. and also the dumbest and worst/th it ride ever.

we rode rides and reminisced and talked about our childhood (and how our parents used to pack us jackets and snacks when we went to theme parks). we screamed and watched people be dumb and split a chicken sandwich for lunch and thanked God for darling Timothy who gave us a coupon to get in which meant we could eat (because we had packed NO snacks because we are adults and think we know better than mom. WE DON'T.)

at around 4:30pm we were chilly (because we had no jackets because apparently no one listens to dad when he talks about brining a jacket with you, even in summer, they only remember what he says when they are cold) and shivered when we thought how cold we were going to be later when we watched the fireworks (which didn't start till 10:30pm). jackets in the park were so expensive we decided to leave the park, walk to the mall down the street, and buy a cheap jacket.

we texted the group text and admitted our faults to dad and told him our blunder and he playfully derided our forgetfulness in brining a jacket.

we tried TJ Max- but their jackets were too expensive. we tried Forever 21 but they were closed (BECAUSE IT WAS THE 4TH OF JULY AND THEY ARE PATRIOTIC). and in a last ditch effort we tried Sears. after searching every section we found, in the men's section, small blue sweatshirts for $12, and a XXL neon orange sweatshirt for $9. indignant that the huge ugly orange sweatshirt was cheaper than the ones we wanted, and determined to spend less than $10 per sweatshirt, we marched up to the cashier and demanded he give us the blue sweatshirts for $9 each (while excitedly waving the orange one in his face to prove the ridiculousness of the situation).

the darling cashier, whose name was Nathaniel, gave us both sweatshirts from $12. we took a short cut through the Knott's parking lot and back to the park bantering about how super Nathaniel was.

we texted the group text bragging about how we pulled it together to get jackets. dad was impressed.

when we got back to Knott's we drank soda, watched the Mystery Lodge show, made fun of kids from a summer camp while waiting for a roller-coaster that rattled our brains, and fought for a place to watch fireworks.

we thanked God for Nathaniel because it was cold outside but we were warm. carley said she is naming her first child Timothy Nathaniel.

after fireworks we waited in line for one more ride and talked about our parents (and how they are right), and talked about funny things. after the ride we staggered back to our car and demanded we eat McDonald's.

we danced in the car on the way home (which took almost 3 hours because traffic), carley fell asleep and i had to listen to weird Drake songs for 20min because she was gripping the ipod and i couldn't change the song.

crashing into the house back home we were warm and thankful, thankful for seemingly inconsequential parental wisdom (that we now throughly appreciate) and provision of God when we failed to plan. the day may have been a metaphor for our life, but for a lonely holiday in the middle of summer, we'll take it.