I am not a consistent blogger because any amount of life
sharing often feels (to me) like oversharing. It’s mostly due to pride. I don’t
want people to know what I am trying because if I fail, I will have to talk
about it and admit I couldn’t hack it. When I write down my failures and see
the closed doors looking up at me, they feel heavier and permanently latched. I
think of things I want to say, and instead decide to bury it, or hold it, or set
it on my bookshelf to forget about.
PRIDE and BURYING FAILURES
I have felt the sometimes overwhelming weight of closed
doors and failures the past two years. December 2013, I applied to the Peace
Corps. After making it through the first two rounds, I was offered a nomination
as a Health Resource Volunteer in Belize, only to be informed during the last
round of interviews I would not be receiving an invitation to serve after all.
I felt numb that whole summer. I decided to move forward with graduate school
plans and began exploring options. Over the years, mental health has become my
primary interest; I decided (somewhat naively) to pursue a doctorate in
clinical psychology (Psy.D.). It turns out doctorate programs don’t just let
anyone in.
I had to take the GRE. I didn’t even know what the GRE was;
I had to look it up.
I learned psychology prerequisites were necessary. So I
enrolled in community college to gather basic psychology courses.
After working 30+ hours a week and taking 9 credit hours of
classes and doing other various things during fall 2014, I was spent. Spring
2015 I had to quit my job because I couldn’t keep up with the demands of work
and the demands of class. Once again I felt like a failure; I was so behind I
didn’t even have time to wallow.
Between classes, studying for the GRE, and starting yet
another job (text books cost $$$), I applied for a social work internship in Jinja,
Uganda. After passing through the first round of the application process, I was
turned down for the internship. I felt beaten.
EVEN STILL
I trusted (thanks to strong family support- oh hey
parents, you’re the best) that God wanted
me to work in the field of mental health and doors would open if I tried to walk through.
IN SCHOOL
I have been able to take all the classes required at
community colleges. Even when the classes I needed were closed, I got in. Even
when I had to test into a statistics class, I passed the test. God is opening
doors for me to pursue graduate programs in the field of psychology and I am
the most excited I’ve ever been. No, really.
IN LIFE
As I was mapping out the coming year, figuring out when
prerequisite classes need to be completed and when grad-school applications had
to be turned it, I realized I’ll have spring 2016 completely free from academic
obligations. I decided to apply to Shelter Youth Hostel Ministry in Amsterdam.
After waiting a couple weeks, I received notice that I had been accepted as a
3-month volunteer with a start date of March 1, 2016. God brought me back to
His calling on my life of working in cities through this opportunity in
Amsterdam.
IN AWE
God had a perfectly tailored plan the whole time.
When I felt rejected and unheard, God revealed His faithfulness
in while showing me how His plan fulfilled the desires of my heart. Much to my
chagrin, I still find myself badgering God about the details of His plan
instead of listening to Him speak. But He has been faithful, is faithful, and
He will continue to be faithful providing opportunities my heart yearns for.
