insomnia got me

this blog is not frequented, by anybody. including me.

i abandoned my own blog. in my insomnia (insomniamatic?...i am altogether mostly unfamiliar with insomnia so) state this feels much more dramatic than it actually is as the way to solve the blog abandonment problem is simply for me to begin writing again.

and thus here i am.

i forgot how hard writing can be. and how blogs, due to, perhaps not necessarily the anonymity but the simplicity of writing down thoughts, publishing those written yet intangible words and blasting them for people (or at least those who know me and thus know (maybe) about this (quite abandoned) blog any other way) can and (in some cases) become a public space for

- confession

- complaining

- sympathy seeking (the tidy sermon writer in me wants #3 also to begin with the letter C)- usually due to either one or both of the above first two.

and while i am sure (as i have read them with my own eyes) some are able to use their blog in such a way and still maintain their dignity in Christ, that ever present desire and hard-fully wonder-fully obligation to strive to be like Christ, that is to say Christ-likeness and live up to the name by which we call ourselves: “Christians”

i believe now, in this moment, i am not able to do both the above and maintain the above, this may possibly be why writing has been so long in coming and why i decided to watch a bit of parks and recreation before attempting this post (nothing so incites inflated courage as leslie knope and ann perkins).

i shall most likely revert and be forced then to challenge myself to learn the delicate excellence of balance that i find in others.

insomnia update: my computer time says 10:47pm but i know that it’s being realistically untruthful with me as I am not where it feels I should be and the fault is entirely mine- i neglected to change to time when i flew to the east coast.

so today is march 24^th and i am getting a rather early start on my day today and will use this early start to begin my quest to use each day to the fullest (overused but stick with me).

there are people out there who randomly jump on planes and go to new york because they want to feel more alive. you know who you are. i’ve met you before and have so much *insert word that I am feeling here…admiration and happiness-that-people-like-you-exist-to-share-their-experiences-tion*

there are people out there who decide to ride a camel across australia by herself, alone(ish), and so she moves and trains three camels, and rides them across australia. alone(ish). and I would say more but I haven’t finished the book.

there are people out there who dog-sit their co-worker’s dog overnight and in that small 24ish hour period learn everything there is to know about training a dog because they took a dog training class and the class was in german and now they are fluent in german as well. and so is the dog.

i am not fully sure what sets people in motion to do inspiring things, or why the things they set out to accomplish inspire others when all they are doing is what they would be doing regardless of if anyone was paying attention to their actions.

i decided to find out why people like the above would provide such inspiration to me specifically and made a list of some common factors below:

- travel

- do new things

- desire to find oneself and/ or better oneself

- working with animals (this one is for free as i don’t want to work with animals)

i feel a little behind. in all the things.

i am not out flying to new york on a whim when i feel dead inside. i run. hard and slow until there is nothing left in me to sweat out. because running is safe. not just any running: running in the suburbs, inside a gym, on a treadmill with a safety-string pull to stop the thing if I fall off.

it’s literally no fail running.

i’m also not out training camels or dogs, or learning how to navigate my way through australia using only stars and wildflowers. or picking up german because the skills I needed to learn were being taught in that language.

i was a wee bit overwhelmed. and took a break.

when i realized it was 11:11pm (somewhere) i made a wish. the first wish i won’t share because it’s a tad embarrassing to admit that I wished for something so silly.

so i renounced that first wish then retracted my recant and hoped it wouldn’t be too greedy to wish as much as i could during the 11:11 minuet of wishing. i closed my eyes and decided it would probably be fine to wish as much as i could as long as i opened my eyes and it was still 11:11.

i wished i could wake up and be fluent in french. it may never be as the wish may be void if my sudden bout of insomnia keeps me up all night. irony at it’s finest. to wish for something to be when i wake up and never find out if it was (or is or would be) because i was never able to fall asleep…

during this soul-searching time during 11:11pm on march 23rd or 2:11am on march 24^th (either are fine as the saying “better late than never” applies to one and “carpe diem” applies to the other and both are wonderfully overused sayings that i have the thrill of using at the same time).

and for good reason.

things that i have wanted to do for so long i am working towards. because why not? and although to me it feels like i am arriving late and trying out dreams too late: better late then never, yes?

could it be also, that I am early? not a year graduated from college and not taking a breather? one can breathe while one runs. one must or one dies.

so i continue to run, and i breathe, and i run late, but still talk myself into being ok because maybe i am early if i look at life from a next day/ new phase/ old cliché/ new meaning to me sort of way.

and we are all fine.

running, breathing, simultaneously waiting to get in the zone. to run and run well. to reach the end and hear the words i crave, want, desire, hope for yet hardly daring to hope for

“well done, good and faithful servant”

being a little Christ.

being a Christian

doing right by Christ

knowing Christ will do right by me

there's something about fall

everything about fall is the best. and since summer is my favorite fall has to be my other favorite.

the crisp, orange, magic, smokeyness of fall feels hopeful and comforting and a little sad at any warmth of summer left behind. the feeling is similar to the feeling one feels upon coming home after being gone a long time.

fall could not have come a moment too soon.

one needs the comfort of fall as one enters into adulthood.

and i am finding that being an adult is a bit like entering into fall. one feels hopeful and comforted and a little sad all at the same time.

hopeful because things in life begin to take shape. you realize that the fellowship program that you applied to and worked so hard to get is one of the most wonderful things of your whole life. you learn what you like and what you don't like. and you learn that you don't particularly like being a cashier (because you are not good and it and thus learn that you must not let your pride dictate what you like or don't like). because when you choose to apply to be a volunteer at the crisis pregnancy center you are doing it not just because it will look good on your resume, but because you are passionate about serving at risk mothers. hopeful because the change happening in your life is showing you a bright future that you get to call your own.

comforted because sometimes you are lucky enough to move back to the town where you spent year 12 -year 18. and you get to spend time with your mentor and babysit her kids, not because you need the money, but because you can to give two of the greatest people a night off. because you can carve a pumpkin in your own home and feel like a kid again. and eat candy till you get sick and feel like a kid again (or feel like you did two days ago because some things never change). because you realize that when you left for school the people who loved you didn't go anywhere, but rather prayed for you and loved you and supported you. and they are still here now that you are back.

sad because, change is good, but some warmth of pre-adulthood may have been lost. some friends are in Massachusetts, some are in Illinois, and some are no longer friends. sad because life is a little less carefree. sad because by less carefree we mean we work during the week... and then on the weekends. a smidgen mournful because, like change makes us hopeful, change makes us realize that somethings are no longer the same and may never be the same. and that's ok.      


there's something about fall that inspires one to be hopeful and feel comfort and feel ok about being a little mournful about the loss of the season just passed. adulthood could not have come at a better time.

the second day of the rest of my life

the Lord sustains: 

two days ago i completed my internship

my last day at internship was warm and rainy and full and fun and melancholy 

on the last day i had to finish up my task of updating the massive resource folder; i had one more 24page list to update it took me 4 1/2 hours and was 28pages long when i finished at 3:30pm (a half hour before i left).

when i got off at 4pm i went straight downtown to live it up for a bit

just kidding

i babysat from 5pm-11pm then went home and ate dinner  

and so my internship has wrapped up.

yesterday:

i had my phone interview with Mental Health America's Jump Start Fellowship Program i had done a lot of prep work for the interview i asked one of my internship supervisors for advice (twice...i asked her for advice, twice) jorgen and i ran through mock interviews attempting to prepare me for potential question i might be asked however nothing could have prepared for the questions i received 

but i did my best and i have no regrets i know that i was not interviewing alone; God was there with me and when i felt like one of my answers had blown the whole interview... it somehow always came through all right  

in between interview prep, a nap, eating, exercising, and cleaning, i applied for two jobs 

the Lord provides rest:

today: and now is day two of post-internship i put my laundry in the dryer and ate breakfast 

and realized i had nothing to do so i stayed in my leggings and tank top i refuse to do my hair and decided i am going to drink a whole pot of coffee not because i need to but because i want to

i am sure the initial novelty of my recent retirement will wear off; but this is the first time i have had no pressing responsibilities or something due since march 

the Lord is gracious: 

i have endless opportunities in front of me i am thankful for this degree i am thankful my internship has prepared me to enter into the field i want to pursue i am thankful i have this time of rest i am thankful that today was cool and sunny and i could sit outside and write 

the end of my internship put a period on the sentence of my summer, or so i thought

suddenly (well it took me a day to figure out) i realized there were no more periods

i would just keep going from here

and i could do whatever i want

because 

the Lord: sustains, provides, is gracious

i am grateful for the pause though

it's not a period

cocoa krispy morning

i got up embarrassingly late this morning.
i wanted to eat something healthy, so ate an apple and peach yogurt. and cocoa krispies.
and then i ate cocoa krispies again but instead of milk i used coffee.

i was really hoping it would be like a childish version of a mocha: a nice blend of all the "Mmmmmm" of the caffeine and the "YESssss" with the crunch chocolate cereal.
what I got was some clash of the titans breakfast mashup where my cereal got mushy and lost it's chocolatyness almost instantly because the coffee absorbed it all. and since the coffee is blueberry muffin flavored it made the whole thing not worth eating.

as i was deciding if i should just choke it down or throw it out someone knocked at the door. who comes to the door at 10:45am? i was hesitant to answer it because i was still in my pjs and was hoping my roommate (who was also still in her pjs...and on the phone...and further from the door than me) would answer it. so i pretended i hadn't heard. i heard her get up and thought "ok, she is gonna answer it" until i heard her walking up the stairs. clearly i would be the one attending to answering the door.
and sitting on my door step was a package.

EXPLANATION: for those who did not attend Moody Bible Institute let me explain something really quick. everyone has a box number. and when someone sends you ANY piece of mail they have to put your box number on it. at Moody i was CPO 1782. when a student receives a package CPO (Campus Post Office) workers would put a green slip in their box telling that student to take their green slip and go to the front counter to get their package. this was always an experience with mixed emotions. i loved getting a package but the CPO workers always thought it was funny to throw the package at you...no matter what size it was. also, if the green slip was put in your box at 3:50pm on a friday night, since CPO closes at 4pm (and of course who checks their CPO box 10min before CPO closes), then you couldn't get your package till Sat. CPO closed on Sat at 1 pm and if your slip got put in at 12:50pm on Sat you couldn't get your package till Mon.

i was surprised it came so quickly. and right in front of me. i could literally pick it up and have it in my hands in a matter of seconds.
it was a delight to discover that mail came so quickly outside of Moody. when i saw that package i was a little confused for a bit because i wondered why i hadn't received a green slip. then i realized: in the real world there are no green slips, no packages thrown at you, no 'one of hundreds of students'. you are an individual and your mail is a reflection of that.

Moody was truly a great experience. but if i enjoyed getting packages at Moody, i relish the experience now.

on a differentish note.

i was invited to a monthly meeting that all the social workers are required to attend. i was invited because my supervisor wanted me to give a short presentation on one of my projects i was assigned for the summer. it took me two hours to put together this five min presentation. but it went very well. and i was so happy when it was over.

after that meeting i was on cloud 9. all those social workers sacrificed so much to assist the women they were working with: time, energy, safety, comfort. i thought "THIS is what i want to do" in my excitement I thought "surely there can be no higher calling than this..." (ok, i was a tad dramatic that day but that presentation was really stressful and i was a little bit sleep deprived)

after the meeting i went to meet Jorgen for lunch at his office. Jorgen has an internship downtown and i was super excited to see his office and where he worked. after i saw his office we went to the 37th floor to eat in the cafeteria. a table full of other interns were already there and we decided to join them.

i spoke briefly with a girl next to me. she asked me where i went to school and i told her i had just graduated from Moody Bible Institute. she asked me if i worked downtown too. i told her no i worked in Lawndale. she stared at me like i had just told her i go to a rainbow world for work every morning. i told her westside; i work on the westside. that clicked with her a little more because she knew that Chicago had a north, south, and east so surely west must exist also. she asked what i did and i told here i was a social work intern at a non-profit called Lawndale Christian Health Center. more staring. and then she said

"hmmm. yeah...ok. ok....weeeeeell, i guess that could have a lot of impact...."

at first my bubble was popped. i realized that social work, although it may do good, would never make me rich; and that is what world views as the highest calling...

but then i wanted to slap her. as she sat high and clean and pretty working at her posh little internship, women only a few years older than her were at Lawndale Christian Health Center assisting expectant mothers with housing, food, and obtaining basic and necessary items for their coming baby. maybe i won't make a lot of money (and by maybe i mean most assuredly i won't). but to make an impact one does not have to make a lot of money. my interactions with this girl, as much as i loathe her perspective on life, grounded me and helped me realize that although social work is for me there will be certain things in life that i will sacrifice for the career that i have chosen.

all this to say i am learning so much. i love my internship and as i head into my next week, my last full week of being an intern, i was thinking about how much i have learned and changed and grown. my opinions on so much have changed. i have met women who have gone through more than i thought a human soul could endure; yet when asked how they are doing say, "i am blessed."

i think about my opinions on various issues and how they were challenged by my supervisors; how they told me to go in with an open attitude because i am outside of the situation for the women i would be interacting with. i don't know what they are experiencing or where they are at when they walk through our doors. my job is to give help where i can and counsel when i am asked. and although i was a little bit taken aback to discover that i would need to let go of my framework for a time, a framework i have been carefully, thoughtfully, intentionally constructing since high school, it has been a good time of learning and growth and discovery.

i have applied for a fellowship program called Jump Start with Mental Health America. my application went through and i got an interview which will take place next Wed. if you would like to pray for that i would appreciate it. i would really love to be part of that program.

all the blue things

i have been feeling blue.

i think i have seasonal affective disorder. in fact, i know i do...

i diagnosed myself professionally last year. 

can't argue with my own professional conclusions. 

the long and short of it (but mostly long of it cause the rain hasn't stopped and probably never will) is that it's raining. 

what could possibly make the sky so sad that it must weep every day? 

i broke down today and bought an umbrella. 

i bought one for two reasons:

1. now that i have one it will stop raining and will never rain again. in fact, chicago will probably begin a 5 year drought tomorrow.

2. if it does keep raining for the rest of the summer i will stay (relatively) dry.

i really hope it's reason 1 (the drought would suck...but there is give and take in life)

my umbrella is blue...a deep and dark sky blue. 

the kind of blue that makes one feel dizzy when one looks up at the sky.

the kind of blue we all pray for as we go to the beach and feel overwhelmed with when we arrive and it's there.

that kind of blue.

and in my blue bubble i carry around a patch of sunshine with me.

now armed with my trusty blue i trek back and forth from internship to home. home to internship. and repeat.

and this brings me to internship.

my official title is "Social Work Intern"?
its says so on my official email.

since it has been a while since i have blogged i'll cover some highlights and if you have any questions let me know and i'll let you know.

since the beginning of my internship i have been trained to enroll women in a program Lawndale Christian Health Center calls Maternal Child Health.

This program offers a lot of classes and benefits that would be helpful to women expecting a baby and do not have a huge network or support system of family and friends. my favorite program offered by Maternal Child Health is called Centering. the Centering program is a class that expecting mothers (and if they want their husband or boyfriend to attend with them they may) attend together. all mothers in attendance have a similar due date and thus walk through changes they are experiencing together. it is a safe place where an expectant mother can ask questions about changes her body is going through, where she can get some resources she needs, and what are things she can be doing to take of her body so that her baby is born healthy.

the classes meet once a month. the classes are also her doctors appt. a nurse is present in the class to check vitals and the progress of each woman's pregnancy. after each woman gets her check up they sit through a class (taught by a social worker from LCHC) where various topics are addressed and the women are free to ask questions. also, healthy snacks and beverages are served.

it's ideal.

i love it.

i have not actually been able to attend a class and observe but i have been able to see part of one of the classes a couple weeks ago because the social worker i was shadowing that day needed to meet with one of her clients.

back to what i have been training for. in order for a client to start receiving the services and benefits of the Maternal Child Health program she has to enroll and fill out an extensive form. i now know how to fill out the form with the client and give her a succinct presentation of the services she is able to receive once she enrolls. this sounds easy, but the form is long and a lot must be explained. one of my supervisors said that the process, ideally, should not take longer than 7-10 min (10 min MAX).

my first time took me 15 min.

it was slightly embarrassing.

but i am faster now.

i am also updating the resource list social workers use to help clients find a variety of services (such as housing, clothing, food pantries, legal services, child care and after school programs, etc. you name it, it's in the resource list).

the list has not been updated in two years. by a different intern.

and i know why.

the work is tedious at best and discouraging at worst.

but one day i saw a social worker actually using the list. and it was imperative that the list be useful because it was dealing with an actual individual's life. and if the information on the list was accurate then that means the client being helped by the social worker would receive services she desperately needed. and could not wait for.

all in all internship is going well.

if you think of it here are some things you can pray for.

the social workers at LCHC's Maternal Child Health department. They work with a lot of hurting women and families. and some of them do not get a chance to take a break. pray for them.

pray for me me as i find spaces to process what i see and hear. a lot of the things i hear and see i am not able to share with others because of client/worker privacy. pray that i have peace as i process experiences at LCHC.

i live in chicago for now

England just did not work out this summer and that sucks but when God closes one door He always opens up another. right?

after extended conversation(s) with my academic advisor about my after graduation plans we decided it would be a good idea to pursue an internship in that direction, especially since pursuing an internship in England was not working out.

i want to pursue earning my Master of Social Work after i graduate so i talked to my advisor about the possibility of doing an internship at Lawndale Christian Health Center here in Chicago.

the internship at LCHC started this past wed. and i have never felt more excited or more over my head in my whole life.

there are a few other interns working at LCHC

most of the interns will have a 6 month internship.
mine will last 9 weeks.

most interns are in the second year of their masters program.
my internship will help me wrap up my undergrad.

one intern is doing some of her Ph.D. research work at LCHC.
did i mention i am trying to wrap up my undergrad?

the internship is going well so far. i don't think my supervisors quite know what to do with me yet. oh, they assign me tasks and i have plenty to do; however there is quite a bit of client interaction i cannot observe legally because i am not actually a social worker and not licensed by the state.

so i do research for my supervisors (which i love) and i observe where i can (which i also love) and i try not to feel like i am in over my head (which is hard because i think i might be :) ).

with overwhelming feelings of excitement for what i am doing and the reality of how challenging this internship will be i have discovered that i have forgotten to continually be thankful.

and thus i have decided to start something that a dear friend of mine has (unknowingly) inspired me to do. this summer will be the summer of a thousand thankful thoughts which will be recorded and posted on sticky notes on my wall in my room. and some will be recorded here as i blog.

for the summer this blog will be one focused thankfulness and thoughts on my internship.

thankful thought #1: thankful to be living in chicago this summer.

I think I am having a bad day...

I found myself in the thick of it without even realizing it had started. perhaps I should have been clued in that it would be when I left too late for breakfast and had to come back to my room cause I didn't have time to eat before my 7:35am class. or I should have realized I was in a foreshadowing of it when I didn't have time to make coffee this morning (even though I, theoretically, should have had plenty of time cause I didn't go to breakfast). a major clue should have been when it took me 1 hour to read 10pages of a book, causing me to necessarily skip lunch and a meeting. I was definitely picking up clues of its presence when my afternoon class got out 5min late and I didn't catch the prof I TA for which means I have no idea what I am supposed to do for work tomorrow (and thursdays are her days off...). all of this, however, is neither here nor there. because, by 2:22pm I knew. I was in the thick of a bad day.

the realization hit me as I was scraping the bottom of the soup pot for lunch (try #2) and my friend Ricky looked at me and said "yuck." which was of course the only appropriate thing to say when one watches a friend desperately try to scrape the cold remains of white chicken chili after the normal lunch rush has already come through. by the by, after I finished the remains of this (supposedly) yummy chili did I realized that, while I was concentrating on coaxing the soup out of the pot and discouraging the beans from coming into my bowl, fresh sandwiches and wraps had been set out. yay life.

discouraged by my discovery that yummy food had just been set out when I had spent so long trying to get food that at least looked ok, I turned to Ricky and said "I think I am having a bad day." and you know what he told me?

"I think I am too"

and I felt awful.

I hated that someone else was having a bad day. I hated that I was part of that bad day because I was interacting with him. forever I could be in his mind connected with this bad day (dramatic, I know, but track with me). how do you process a bad day in the midst of it? when it becomes clear that you are not just living your own, but have accidentally entered into someone else's?

In the midst of this day was a prayer prayed by one of my professors. I don't remember much of the prayer except that he (ironically) prayed that we would get rest and eat healthy AND he spoke these words.

"fatigue does not suspend Christian virtue"

I wrote them in permanent marker on my arm.

 I am tired. tried of having a bad day(s). tired of being stressed. tired of sleeping on top of my books and clothes which are on top of my bed because I have not had time to clean. I am tired of being tired of these things. I did not want to suspend my Christian virtue over these things.... I just wanted to bite everyone's head off.

"suspend Christian virtue" is strong language. but what is it, exactly, when I decide to lay aside the way Christ commands I behave, in order to fulfill my own selfish emotions?  

I hate to say really booshie Christian things to make me feel better on my bad days. things such as "God is in control! So when my day goes bad I know it's gonna be ok!" because that's a lie. I don't know it's gonna be ok.

or...

"You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength!" really? I have no strength right now. so is Christ withholding it from me? answer me that one.

I know these things are true. and I am so glad for you if these words help you get you through your bad days. honestly.

but. I have found that when I am having a bad day and things are not going as I planned and I can't accomplish what I need to accomplish, I find it comforting to know that I can accomplish something for God:

Obedience.

"fatigue does not suspend Christian virtue." obeying God in the thick and the thin. keeping quiet when I am in a hurry and want to explode when people walk so slow in the tunnels they might as well be crawling, or when two different students repeatedly repeat the same dumb question in various forms in class, or class goes over by 5min and I miss lunch (for the second time that day).

is God in control. yes
does Christ give us strength. yes
are these things comforting to know that God is doing something for us when days suck. yes.

obedience to Christ, making our goal to please God regardless of external crap, gives a Christian a sense of accomplished consistency on a day all things go wrong.

at least it does for me...

I think I had a bad day... thank goodness I learned today that external circumstances cannot affect my internal choices to obey God.

I Peter 1:13-25