it's always been fine, I just didn't know it

I am not a consistent blogger because any amount of life sharing often feels (to me) like oversharing. It’s mostly due to pride. I don’t want people to know what I am trying because if I fail, I will have to talk about it and admit I couldn’t hack it. When I write down my failures and see the closed doors looking up at me, they feel heavier and permanently latched. I think of things I want to say, and instead decide to bury it, or hold it, or set it on my bookshelf to forget about.

PRIDE and BURYING FAILURES

I have felt the sometimes overwhelming weight of closed doors and failures the past two years. December 2013, I applied to the Peace Corps. After making it through the first two rounds, I was offered a nomination as a Health Resource Volunteer in Belize, only to be informed during the last round of interviews I would not be receiving an invitation to serve after all. I felt numb that whole summer. I decided to move forward with graduate school plans and began exploring options. Over the years, mental health has become my primary interest; I decided (somewhat naively) to pursue a doctorate in clinical psychology (Psy.D.). It turns out doctorate programs don’t just let anyone in.

I had to take the GRE. I didn’t even know what the GRE was; I had to look it up.

I learned psychology prerequisites were necessary. So I enrolled in community college to gather basic psychology courses.

After working 30+ hours a week and taking 9 credit hours of classes and doing other various things during fall 2014, I was spent. Spring 2015 I had to quit my job because I couldn’t keep up with the demands of work and the demands of class. Once again I felt like a failure; I was so behind I didn’t even have time to wallow.

Between classes, studying for the GRE, and starting yet another job (text books cost $$$), I applied for a social work internship in Jinja, Uganda. After passing through the first round of the application process, I was turned down for the internship. I felt beaten.  

EVEN STILL

I trusted (thanks to strong family support- oh hey parents, you’re the best) that God wanted me to work in the field of mental health and doors would open if I tried to walk through.  

IN SCHOOL

I have been able to take all the classes required at community colleges. Even when the classes I needed were closed, I got in. Even when I had to test into a statistics class, I passed the test. God is opening doors for me to pursue graduate programs in the field of psychology and I am the most excited I’ve ever been. No, really.

IN LIFE

As I was mapping out the coming year, figuring out when prerequisite classes need to be completed and when grad-school applications had to be turned it, I realized I’ll have spring 2016 completely free from academic obligations. I decided to apply to Shelter Youth Hostel Ministry in Amsterdam. After waiting a couple weeks, I received notice that I had been accepted as a 3-month volunteer with a start date of March 1, 2016. God brought me back to His calling on my life of working in cities through this opportunity in Amsterdam.  

IN AWE
God had a perfectly tailored plan the whole time.

When I felt rejected and unheard, God revealed His faithfulness in while showing me how His plan fulfilled the desires of my heart. Much to my chagrin, I still find myself badgering God about the details of His plan instead of listening to Him speak. But He has been faithful, is faithful, and He will continue to be faithful providing opportunities my heart yearns for. 

we love Tim

i have tried to write three different posts since november, all on holidays.

one post was written on thanksgiving while i was home alone watching New Girl and it was no good.
on post was written on mother's day while i was home alone because my mother was out of town and it was no good.
i didn't even get to the post i thought about writing on the 4th of July because i was out of town.

BUT THIS POST IS ABOUT THANKFULLNESS AND MOTHERS (parents actually) AND THE 4TH OF JULY so it's the best of the three thoughts.

on the 4th of July my mother was again going out of town. my sister (carley) and i were going to drive mom to LAX in the morning. carley and i had made flimsy plans of going to the beach or going home or driving to big bear village; but we didn't want to de anything. we felt apathetic about every thing, and sad around the edges, and thirsty for caffeine.

after we dropped mom off at the airport we parked at a nearby hotel where we tried to break into the continental breakfast from the hotel (because hunger) but breakfast was over. so we got coffee (and bagels dangit) from starbucks. i tried to convince carley that Big Bear Village was only 2 hours away, she tried to tell me Knott's Berry Farm was a better choice if we were going to do something.

we chose Knott's because roller-coasters.

we sipped our coffee and i munched our bagel (and ate the whole thing) and mom called to say she was at her terminal. we got in the car and GPSed our way to Knott's.

we drove into Knott's and paid the $17.50 to park and waltzed right up to buy tickets (which we thought were around $40). tickets were not $40, tickets were $67. Should we back out? no, carley said we had come this far and we were going in even if it meant we starved all day long because we couldn't afford to eat.

but when i went to pay for my ticket the absolutely darling ticket guy said "hey, i have extra coupons, so your ticket is only $41." his name was Timothy and carley and i are HUGE fan of his. we looked for him when we left, but seeing as we arrived at 11:am and left at 11:30pm, he wasn't there.

two things we have learned from our parents: always pack a jacket (dad's advice) and always pack snacks (mom's advice). WE HAD NONE OF THOSE THINGS. but bravely walked into the park anyways. it was too late to turn back.

we started a group text with every member of our family to keep them updated on our adventures.

we waited in line for a ride that was way over hyped. but it was the scariest ride of our life. and also the dumbest and worst/th it ride ever.

we rode rides and reminisced and talked about our childhood (and how our parents used to pack us jackets and snacks when we went to theme parks). we screamed and watched people be dumb and split a chicken sandwich for lunch and thanked God for darling Timothy who gave us a coupon to get in which meant we could eat (because we had packed NO snacks because we are adults and think we know better than mom. WE DON'T.)

at around 4:30pm we were chilly (because we had no jackets because apparently no one listens to dad when he talks about brining a jacket with you, even in summer, they only remember what he says when they are cold) and shivered when we thought how cold we were going to be later when we watched the fireworks (which didn't start till 10:30pm). jackets in the park were so expensive we decided to leave the park, walk to the mall down the street, and buy a cheap jacket.

we texted the group text and admitted our faults to dad and told him our blunder and he playfully derided our forgetfulness in brining a jacket.

we tried TJ Max- but their jackets were too expensive. we tried Forever 21 but they were closed (BECAUSE IT WAS THE 4TH OF JULY AND THEY ARE PATRIOTIC). and in a last ditch effort we tried Sears. after searching every section we found, in the men's section, small blue sweatshirts for $12, and a XXL neon orange sweatshirt for $9. indignant that the huge ugly orange sweatshirt was cheaper than the ones we wanted, and determined to spend less than $10 per sweatshirt, we marched up to the cashier and demanded he give us the blue sweatshirts for $9 each (while excitedly waving the orange one in his face to prove the ridiculousness of the situation).

the darling cashier, whose name was Nathaniel, gave us both sweatshirts from $12. we took a short cut through the Knott's parking lot and back to the park bantering about how super Nathaniel was.

we texted the group text bragging about how we pulled it together to get jackets. dad was impressed.

when we got back to Knott's we drank soda, watched the Mystery Lodge show, made fun of kids from a summer camp while waiting for a roller-coaster that rattled our brains, and fought for a place to watch fireworks.

we thanked God for Nathaniel because it was cold outside but we were warm. carley said she is naming her first child Timothy Nathaniel.

after fireworks we waited in line for one more ride and talked about our parents (and how they are right), and talked about funny things. after the ride we staggered back to our car and demanded we eat McDonald's.

we danced in the car on the way home (which took almost 3 hours because traffic), carley fell asleep and i had to listen to weird Drake songs for 20min because she was gripping the ipod and i couldn't change the song.

crashing into the house back home we were warm and thankful, thankful for seemingly inconsequential parental wisdom (that we now throughly appreciate) and provision of God when we failed to plan. the day may have been a metaphor for our life, but for a lonely holiday in the middle of summer, we'll take it.

white rabbit dreams

i have many faults. the best of which i can’t share. it led to me getting a cat and naming her October Christmas. she is perfect and she will live outside because she doesn’t know the rules of the house |and dad has little faith that she will ever learn them|. this is just an update; it’s the most interesting of occurring events |when October Christmas comes home there will be pictures|.

every first of the month i think of white rabbits, and get excited for the 8^th of the month because that means it’s the monthly anniversary of my birthday |which is now the closest it’s ever been since October 2013| and reflect on the past month which seems like ages ago even though it was just yesterday.

amongst my faults are pinterest. pinterest is not only a way for me to make lofty goals i don’t have the least intention of completing, it is also one of the main means of communication with my youngest sibling |this is not an exaggeration also not a fault|.

it’s the first of the month |or at least it was yesterday| and per usual my thoughts went through their first of the month routine: i thought of white rabbits and got excited for my birthday and when i began to reflect on the previous month i immediately decided not to.

but pinterest would not let me escape. as i was on pinterest this evening i noticed that even my pinestest board would not not let me reflect on how truly lazy i was this summer. even my pinterest, which normally is full of lofty goals, had one board titled “summer goals” |i actually have no idea what it was actually called because i deleted it in a fit of rage|. i not only had one pin on the dang board but i did not even try the pinned activity. and it was easy. it was pizza made on a bar-b-q.

d.u.m. |dumb|

and it made me think: wow, i should make better goals. and i should actually complete the goals i set.

|side note: i am now CPR/First Aid/ AED certified. so that’s good summer accomplishment…|

i am, however, now tan and burned and well-rested. my pool of loved ones has increased exponentially |MPC youth group is the coolest| and i learned i was born to live in district 12. i met princess ariel. i celebrated with a dear friend as she celebrated trying her first pie and welcoming in her 23^rd year of being alive. i camped for the first time in years. i held babies and chatted with nurses about love and careers. i swam with sharks and moved in with dad. i learned I like coffee brewed with cinnamon and i can drink 4 cans of diet root-beers before feeling sick. i enrolled in community college full-time and requested to work part-time. i applied for a job and landed the interview only to decline the job.

i cried and wept and read Lauren Winner’s chapter on mourning from her book Mudhouse Sabbath. i was reminded that i was enough because of Jesus.

i adjusted and fought and screamed. and on August 1, 2014 i sat on an ice chest next to my youngest siblings in Carpenteria, half listening to the reading on I Thessalonians, and keeping thoughts of goals and reflections at bay.

but routine won over and i visited pinterest and was reminded that summer was fun, and beautiful, and magical, albeit devoid of concrete accomplishments, but crisp fall air is just around the corner.

|life starts over again when it gets crisp in the fall –f. scott fitzgerald|

insomnia got me

this blog is not frequented, by anybody. including me.

i abandoned my own blog. in my insomnia (insomniamatic?...i am altogether mostly unfamiliar with insomnia so) state this feels much more dramatic than it actually is as the way to solve the blog abandonment problem is simply for me to begin writing again.

and thus here i am.

i forgot how hard writing can be. and how blogs, due to, perhaps not necessarily the anonymity but the simplicity of writing down thoughts, publishing those written yet intangible words and blasting them for people (or at least those who know me and thus know (maybe) about this (quite abandoned) blog any other way) can and (in some cases) become a public space for

- confession

- complaining

- sympathy seeking (the tidy sermon writer in me wants #3 also to begin with the letter C)- usually due to either one or both of the above first two.

and while i am sure (as i have read them with my own eyes) some are able to use their blog in such a way and still maintain their dignity in Christ, that ever present desire and hard-fully wonder-fully obligation to strive to be like Christ, that is to say Christ-likeness and live up to the name by which we call ourselves: “Christians”

i believe now, in this moment, i am not able to do both the above and maintain the above, this may possibly be why writing has been so long in coming and why i decided to watch a bit of parks and recreation before attempting this post (nothing so incites inflated courage as leslie knope and ann perkins).

i shall most likely revert and be forced then to challenge myself to learn the delicate excellence of balance that i find in others.

insomnia update: my computer time says 10:47pm but i know that it’s being realistically untruthful with me as I am not where it feels I should be and the fault is entirely mine- i neglected to change to time when i flew to the east coast.

so today is march 24^th and i am getting a rather early start on my day today and will use this early start to begin my quest to use each day to the fullest (overused but stick with me).

there are people out there who randomly jump on planes and go to new york because they want to feel more alive. you know who you are. i’ve met you before and have so much *insert word that I am feeling here…admiration and happiness-that-people-like-you-exist-to-share-their-experiences-tion*

there are people out there who decide to ride a camel across australia by herself, alone(ish), and so she moves and trains three camels, and rides them across australia. alone(ish). and I would say more but I haven’t finished the book.

there are people out there who dog-sit their co-worker’s dog overnight and in that small 24ish hour period learn everything there is to know about training a dog because they took a dog training class and the class was in german and now they are fluent in german as well. and so is the dog.

i am not fully sure what sets people in motion to do inspiring things, or why the things they set out to accomplish inspire others when all they are doing is what they would be doing regardless of if anyone was paying attention to their actions.

i decided to find out why people like the above would provide such inspiration to me specifically and made a list of some common factors below:

- travel

- do new things

- desire to find oneself and/ or better oneself

- working with animals (this one is for free as i don’t want to work with animals)

i feel a little behind. in all the things.

i am not out flying to new york on a whim when i feel dead inside. i run. hard and slow until there is nothing left in me to sweat out. because running is safe. not just any running: running in the suburbs, inside a gym, on a treadmill with a safety-string pull to stop the thing if I fall off.

it’s literally no fail running.

i’m also not out training camels or dogs, or learning how to navigate my way through australia using only stars and wildflowers. or picking up german because the skills I needed to learn were being taught in that language.

i was a wee bit overwhelmed. and took a break.

when i realized it was 11:11pm (somewhere) i made a wish. the first wish i won’t share because it’s a tad embarrassing to admit that I wished for something so silly.

so i renounced that first wish then retracted my recant and hoped it wouldn’t be too greedy to wish as much as i could during the 11:11 minuet of wishing. i closed my eyes and decided it would probably be fine to wish as much as i could as long as i opened my eyes and it was still 11:11.

i wished i could wake up and be fluent in french. it may never be as the wish may be void if my sudden bout of insomnia keeps me up all night. irony at it’s finest. to wish for something to be when i wake up and never find out if it was (or is or would be) because i was never able to fall asleep…

during this soul-searching time during 11:11pm on march 23rd or 2:11am on march 24^th (either are fine as the saying “better late than never” applies to one and “carpe diem” applies to the other and both are wonderfully overused sayings that i have the thrill of using at the same time).

and for good reason.

things that i have wanted to do for so long i am working towards. because why not? and although to me it feels like i am arriving late and trying out dreams too late: better late then never, yes?

could it be also, that I am early? not a year graduated from college and not taking a breather? one can breathe while one runs. one must or one dies.

so i continue to run, and i breathe, and i run late, but still talk myself into being ok because maybe i am early if i look at life from a next day/ new phase/ old cliché/ new meaning to me sort of way.

and we are all fine.

running, breathing, simultaneously waiting to get in the zone. to run and run well. to reach the end and hear the words i crave, want, desire, hope for yet hardly daring to hope for

“well done, good and faithful servant”

being a little Christ.

being a Christian

doing right by Christ

knowing Christ will do right by me

there's something about fall

everything about fall is the best. and since summer is my favorite fall has to be my other favorite.

the crisp, orange, magic, smokeyness of fall feels hopeful and comforting and a little sad at any warmth of summer left behind. the feeling is similar to the feeling one feels upon coming home after being gone a long time.

fall could not have come a moment too soon.

one needs the comfort of fall as one enters into adulthood.

and i am finding that being an adult is a bit like entering into fall. one feels hopeful and comforted and a little sad all at the same time.

hopeful because things in life begin to take shape. you realize that the fellowship program that you applied to and worked so hard to get is one of the most wonderful things of your whole life. you learn what you like and what you don't like. and you learn that you don't particularly like being a cashier (because you are not good and it and thus learn that you must not let your pride dictate what you like or don't like). because when you choose to apply to be a volunteer at the crisis pregnancy center you are doing it not just because it will look good on your resume, but because you are passionate about serving at risk mothers. hopeful because the change happening in your life is showing you a bright future that you get to call your own.

comforted because sometimes you are lucky enough to move back to the town where you spent year 12 -year 18. and you get to spend time with your mentor and babysit her kids, not because you need the money, but because you can to give two of the greatest people a night off. because you can carve a pumpkin in your own home and feel like a kid again. and eat candy till you get sick and feel like a kid again (or feel like you did two days ago because some things never change). because you realize that when you left for school the people who loved you didn't go anywhere, but rather prayed for you and loved you and supported you. and they are still here now that you are back.

sad because, change is good, but some warmth of pre-adulthood may have been lost. some friends are in Massachusetts, some are in Illinois, and some are no longer friends. sad because life is a little less carefree. sad because by less carefree we mean we work during the week... and then on the weekends. a smidgen mournful because, like change makes us hopeful, change makes us realize that somethings are no longer the same and may never be the same. and that's ok.      


there's something about fall that inspires one to be hopeful and feel comfort and feel ok about being a little mournful about the loss of the season just passed. adulthood could not have come at a better time.

the second day of the rest of my life

the Lord sustains: 

two days ago i completed my internship

my last day at internship was warm and rainy and full and fun and melancholy 

on the last day i had to finish up my task of updating the massive resource folder; i had one more 24page list to update it took me 4 1/2 hours and was 28pages long when i finished at 3:30pm (a half hour before i left).

when i got off at 4pm i went straight downtown to live it up for a bit

just kidding

i babysat from 5pm-11pm then went home and ate dinner  

and so my internship has wrapped up.

yesterday:

i had my phone interview with Mental Health America's Jump Start Fellowship Program i had done a lot of prep work for the interview i asked one of my internship supervisors for advice (twice...i asked her for advice, twice) jorgen and i ran through mock interviews attempting to prepare me for potential question i might be asked however nothing could have prepared for the questions i received 

but i did my best and i have no regrets i know that i was not interviewing alone; God was there with me and when i felt like one of my answers had blown the whole interview... it somehow always came through all right  

in between interview prep, a nap, eating, exercising, and cleaning, i applied for two jobs 

the Lord provides rest:

today: and now is day two of post-internship i put my laundry in the dryer and ate breakfast 

and realized i had nothing to do so i stayed in my leggings and tank top i refuse to do my hair and decided i am going to drink a whole pot of coffee not because i need to but because i want to

i am sure the initial novelty of my recent retirement will wear off; but this is the first time i have had no pressing responsibilities or something due since march 

the Lord is gracious: 

i have endless opportunities in front of me i am thankful for this degree i am thankful my internship has prepared me to enter into the field i want to pursue i am thankful i have this time of rest i am thankful that today was cool and sunny and i could sit outside and write 

the end of my internship put a period on the sentence of my summer, or so i thought

suddenly (well it took me a day to figure out) i realized there were no more periods

i would just keep going from here

and i could do whatever i want

because 

the Lord: sustains, provides, is gracious

i am grateful for the pause though

it's not a period

cocoa krispy morning

i got up embarrassingly late this morning.
i wanted to eat something healthy, so ate an apple and peach yogurt. and cocoa krispies.
and then i ate cocoa krispies again but instead of milk i used coffee.

i was really hoping it would be like a childish version of a mocha: a nice blend of all the "Mmmmmm" of the caffeine and the "YESssss" with the crunch chocolate cereal.
what I got was some clash of the titans breakfast mashup where my cereal got mushy and lost it's chocolatyness almost instantly because the coffee absorbed it all. and since the coffee is blueberry muffin flavored it made the whole thing not worth eating.

as i was deciding if i should just choke it down or throw it out someone knocked at the door. who comes to the door at 10:45am? i was hesitant to answer it because i was still in my pjs and was hoping my roommate (who was also still in her pjs...and on the phone...and further from the door than me) would answer it. so i pretended i hadn't heard. i heard her get up and thought "ok, she is gonna answer it" until i heard her walking up the stairs. clearly i would be the one attending to answering the door.
and sitting on my door step was a package.

EXPLANATION: for those who did not attend Moody Bible Institute let me explain something really quick. everyone has a box number. and when someone sends you ANY piece of mail they have to put your box number on it. at Moody i was CPO 1782. when a student receives a package CPO (Campus Post Office) workers would put a green slip in their box telling that student to take their green slip and go to the front counter to get their package. this was always an experience with mixed emotions. i loved getting a package but the CPO workers always thought it was funny to throw the package at you...no matter what size it was. also, if the green slip was put in your box at 3:50pm on a friday night, since CPO closes at 4pm (and of course who checks their CPO box 10min before CPO closes), then you couldn't get your package till Sat. CPO closed on Sat at 1 pm and if your slip got put in at 12:50pm on Sat you couldn't get your package till Mon.

i was surprised it came so quickly. and right in front of me. i could literally pick it up and have it in my hands in a matter of seconds.
it was a delight to discover that mail came so quickly outside of Moody. when i saw that package i was a little confused for a bit because i wondered why i hadn't received a green slip. then i realized: in the real world there are no green slips, no packages thrown at you, no 'one of hundreds of students'. you are an individual and your mail is a reflection of that.

Moody was truly a great experience. but if i enjoyed getting packages at Moody, i relish the experience now.

on a differentish note.

i was invited to a monthly meeting that all the social workers are required to attend. i was invited because my supervisor wanted me to give a short presentation on one of my projects i was assigned for the summer. it took me two hours to put together this five min presentation. but it went very well. and i was so happy when it was over.

after that meeting i was on cloud 9. all those social workers sacrificed so much to assist the women they were working with: time, energy, safety, comfort. i thought "THIS is what i want to do" in my excitement I thought "surely there can be no higher calling than this..." (ok, i was a tad dramatic that day but that presentation was really stressful and i was a little bit sleep deprived)

after the meeting i went to meet Jorgen for lunch at his office. Jorgen has an internship downtown and i was super excited to see his office and where he worked. after i saw his office we went to the 37th floor to eat in the cafeteria. a table full of other interns were already there and we decided to join them.

i spoke briefly with a girl next to me. she asked me where i went to school and i told her i had just graduated from Moody Bible Institute. she asked me if i worked downtown too. i told her no i worked in Lawndale. she stared at me like i had just told her i go to a rainbow world for work every morning. i told her westside; i work on the westside. that clicked with her a little more because she knew that Chicago had a north, south, and east so surely west must exist also. she asked what i did and i told here i was a social work intern at a non-profit called Lawndale Christian Health Center. more staring. and then she said

"hmmm. yeah...ok. ok....weeeeeell, i guess that could have a lot of impact...."

at first my bubble was popped. i realized that social work, although it may do good, would never make me rich; and that is what world views as the highest calling...

but then i wanted to slap her. as she sat high and clean and pretty working at her posh little internship, women only a few years older than her were at Lawndale Christian Health Center assisting expectant mothers with housing, food, and obtaining basic and necessary items for their coming baby. maybe i won't make a lot of money (and by maybe i mean most assuredly i won't). but to make an impact one does not have to make a lot of money. my interactions with this girl, as much as i loathe her perspective on life, grounded me and helped me realize that although social work is for me there will be certain things in life that i will sacrifice for the career that i have chosen.

all this to say i am learning so much. i love my internship and as i head into my next week, my last full week of being an intern, i was thinking about how much i have learned and changed and grown. my opinions on so much have changed. i have met women who have gone through more than i thought a human soul could endure; yet when asked how they are doing say, "i am blessed."

i think about my opinions on various issues and how they were challenged by my supervisors; how they told me to go in with an open attitude because i am outside of the situation for the women i would be interacting with. i don't know what they are experiencing or where they are at when they walk through our doors. my job is to give help where i can and counsel when i am asked. and although i was a little bit taken aback to discover that i would need to let go of my framework for a time, a framework i have been carefully, thoughtfully, intentionally constructing since high school, it has been a good time of learning and growth and discovery.

i have applied for a fellowship program called Jump Start with Mental Health America. my application went through and i got an interview which will take place next Wed. if you would like to pray for that i would appreciate it. i would really love to be part of that program.