thankfulness and storms

My time here was so much shorter than I expected it to feel. When I first got here I felt like three months was a literal eternity and God had made a mistake sending me here.

But He didn’t, and three months is not a long time.

A lot happened since the last time I wrote, so I will just share a bit of what is happening in my own personal growth.

As I was preparing to come to Amsterdam, I felt God was telling me that I was to enter a season of thankfulness and of being unafraid (note: there is a difference between being brave and being unafraid).

And those two themes have been present throughout my time serving at the Shelter.

Recently, at the community house and in the hostel, we have been sharing encouraging stories of how God is working and showing Himself faithful and present in the work at the Hostel and in our lives. I am realizing that thankfulness is intentional; steps must be taken that lead us toward thankfulness. We cannot and should not turn thankfulness on and off like a faucet; we must continually walk in remembrance of what God is doing in our life and in the lives of others.

Being unafraid is also challenging. Recently I attended a devotional time lead by a fellow volunteer. We were reading from Matthew 14. Jesus calls for Peter to walk on water and come to Jesus. Peter steps out on the water, but he loses his focus on Jesus and starts to focus on the storm raging around him and Peter starts to sink. Peter calls to Jesus for help, and Jesus saves him from drowning. They both climb into the boat and then Jesus calms the storm.

And Peter is literally me: acting in obedience, but losing focus on God, beginning to sink and suddenly finding it necessary to cry out to God to save Him. When God asked something of Peter, he followed in obedience and was able to see God do something amazing, but he lost focus- what would the situation have been if Peter had NOT noticed all the things that could go wrong, and fully focused on Jesus?

The girl leading the study said that she noticed how when Jesus climbed into the boat the wind calmed down- and if we invited Jesus into our boat, He can calm our storms.

I literally died. Like what. If we invite Jesus into our boat, He can calm our storms.

I was reminded that being unafraid to do what Jesus asks is not just stepping out in faith, but following through and walking toward Jesus even as storms rage around us. And when I do notice the storm, and when I begin to be afraid, and I begin to sink because I have lost focus on Jesus, I can invite Him into my boat, because He can calm my storms.

I’m reminded that Jesus can calm the storm I feel inside about coming back to the States. And reminded that the people I am thankful for here, I can be thankful for from home as.

Other thoughts:

I bike everywhere because Amsterdam. Here are some thoughts I have had while riding my bike:

1.     I wonder if I can go up this curb…? Nope, that was a bad idea.

2.     Am I allowed to park my bike here? (Note: the answer was “no.” and my bike was impounded)

3.     I wonder how many bugs I’ve swallowed today…

4.     That pigeon will move (Note: the pigeon did not move and I ran over it)

5.     That pigeon is going to fly into my head (Note: it grazed my head)

6.     I wonder if I can text and ride a bike…?

7.     Why is biking so hard… is it supposed to be this hard?

8.     I am so out of shape.

9.     Bikes would be better if they were cars.

1.     I love biking.

Life here is exciting, and hard, and loving, and forgiving. I will cherish the time I have left serving at the Shelter and being here with the people I hold so dear.

Prayer requests:

1.     My heart is heavy as I prepare to leave in a few weeks. Pray I will have peace.

2.     Also, I am sick and it’s the worst because I want to spend every moment with the community. Pray I get well, and my roommates and I stay healthy.

Bruises

I have been here for a month now and I still love it. 

I’m not sure how long this “honeymoon” period will last, but fingers crossed it never goes away.

Not to say that everything has been easy.

For example: I have an inordinate amount of bruising. I am not 100% sure how it’s happening. I think a lot of it is from biking (for example two weeks ago I jammed the left pedal against my left ankle, and of course after that I continually jammed the pedal against the same ankle throughout the day. I STILL HAVE A MASSIVE BRUISE- it lives there now). I worked in the hostel café on Sunday night and every time I passed the soda fridge I smacked my right shoulder on the fridge door handle. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I now have a bruise on my right shoulder.

…Bruising from just trying to adjust to my new space – leaving bruises on others and myself as I continue to learn the routines of the hostel and community house. I am thankful for the kindness, understanding, and grace of the people I meet in this international community.

In all seriousness though, living in this community has been both challenging and delightful. The most wonderful part of living in community is that there is always someone to talk with, laugh with, do life with… however that of course is challenging too: there is little quiet space.

Thank you everyone for your prayers. I was sick two weeks ago for almost an entire week. And it was the worst. I hated missing time working at the hostel and being involved in activities around the community house. I am better now, and so thankful for the care I was shown from fellow staff.

I have seen God’s hand of protection on me as I bike, walk, and function in this space and in this city. Thank you so much for praying for me, it means so much.

Prayer requests:

1.     I haven’t been sleeping well. Prayers for good rest would be great.

2.     I am beginning to feel pressure and worry about paying for school; communication with Fuller (the school I will attend in the fall) takes longer than normal because of the time difference and limited means of communication. Please pray I will continue to trust in God- He has always shown himself faithful and I have no reason to doubt.

3.     Health! I feel like my body is continually fighting sickness. I bike in the cold a lot, and go to bed late a lot (due to work or building community). Please pray that I, and other staff at the hostel, stay healthy and well.

het gaat goed met mij

I'm in Amsterdam! Let me paint a little picture of what my life is like here. First of all it is so beautiful here. There are bicyclists ALL OVER And They do not care one bit That You're new and do not know the rules. I have only crashed once. The flight was smooth and I managed to buy a ticket for my self and get on the right train from the airport to Amsterdam. From the train station I overtook a taxi Because The bus system was a little hard to navigate and I didn't want to be forever lost in Amsterdam with a suitcase as large as a small playhouse.

(A word on the street names and bus stops in Amsterdam: They are hard to read / Recognize. Imagine someone fell On Their keyboard and then was like "yep that looks like a good street name." It's super challenging.)  

I have a bike That the hostel has given me to use. It's pink and I found out yesterday it's a child's bike (the daughter of the community house parents used to ride it). I also got my first flat tire yesterday on the way from the community house to the shelter, and had to walk my bike the rest of the way to the shelter and walk it back to the community house after dinner (about a 20min walk ).

I share a room with two girls: Theresa from Austria and Martyna from Poland. They are really nice and conversations are mostly spent trying to understand each other or asking what the word in English is for * insert word or saying here * or comparing the ways we Grew up.

I wanted to share this update and prayer requests quickly. This morning is the first bit of time I have had and I do not know When the next one will be.

1.     To get over jet-lag Because it's the literal worst. I am tired. More tired than I have ever been. It's 11:08 pm in California, and 8:08 am in Amsterdam. I want to sleep all the time during the day and night is when I am awake.

2.     Giving grace to others and myself. There are about 10 other new people who arrived the same time I did and it's nice to all be learning together, but I'm getting frustrated That I am not at the level of training or understanding of people who have been here for months ... ridiculous but true.

3.     Health J

I'll be posting more soon and hopefully some pictures. Thank you all for your prayers. Please send texts, emails, face books, etc. with any questions or words of encouragement.

ps sorry if the format is weird or the sentences don't really make sense or if a random word that doesn't make sense in context appears... I copy and pasted from a document and the website translated it into Dutch then back into English...

it's always been fine, I just didn't know it

I am not a consistent blogger because any amount of life sharing often feels (to me) like oversharing. It’s mostly due to pride. I don’t want people to know what I am trying because if I fail, I will have to talk about it and admit I couldn’t hack it. When I write down my failures and see the closed doors looking up at me, they feel heavier and permanently latched. I think of things I want to say, and instead decide to bury it, or hold it, or set it on my bookshelf to forget about.

PRIDE and BURYING FAILURES

I have felt the sometimes overwhelming weight of closed doors and failures the past two years. December 2013, I applied to the Peace Corps. After making it through the first two rounds, I was offered a nomination as a Health Resource Volunteer in Belize, only to be informed during the last round of interviews I would not be receiving an invitation to serve after all. I felt numb that whole summer. I decided to move forward with graduate school plans and began exploring options. Over the years, mental health has become my primary interest; I decided (somewhat naively) to pursue a doctorate in clinical psychology (Psy.D.). It turns out doctorate programs don’t just let anyone in.

I had to take the GRE. I didn’t even know what the GRE was; I had to look it up.

I learned psychology prerequisites were necessary. So I enrolled in community college to gather basic psychology courses.

After working 30+ hours a week and taking 9 credit hours of classes and doing other various things during fall 2014, I was spent. Spring 2015 I had to quit my job because I couldn’t keep up with the demands of work and the demands of class. Once again I felt like a failure; I was so behind I didn’t even have time to wallow.

Between classes, studying for the GRE, and starting yet another job (text books cost $$$), I applied for a social work internship in Jinja, Uganda. After passing through the first round of the application process, I was turned down for the internship. I felt beaten.  

EVEN STILL

I trusted (thanks to strong family support- oh hey parents, you’re the best) that God wanted me to work in the field of mental health and doors would open if I tried to walk through.  

IN SCHOOL

I have been able to take all the classes required at community colleges. Even when the classes I needed were closed, I got in. Even when I had to test into a statistics class, I passed the test. God is opening doors for me to pursue graduate programs in the field of psychology and I am the most excited I’ve ever been. No, really.

IN LIFE

As I was mapping out the coming year, figuring out when prerequisite classes need to be completed and when grad-school applications had to be turned it, I realized I’ll have spring 2016 completely free from academic obligations. I decided to apply to Shelter Youth Hostel Ministry in Amsterdam. After waiting a couple weeks, I received notice that I had been accepted as a 3-month volunteer with a start date of March 1, 2016. God brought me back to His calling on my life of working in cities through this opportunity in Amsterdam.  

IN AWE
God had a perfectly tailored plan the whole time.

When I felt rejected and unheard, God revealed His faithfulness in while showing me how His plan fulfilled the desires of my heart. Much to my chagrin, I still find myself badgering God about the details of His plan instead of listening to Him speak. But He has been faithful, is faithful, and He will continue to be faithful providing opportunities my heart yearns for. 

we love Tim

i have tried to write three different posts since november, all on holidays.

one post was written on thanksgiving while i was home alone watching New Girl and it was no good.
on post was written on mother's day while i was home alone because my mother was out of town and it was no good.
i didn't even get to the post i thought about writing on the 4th of July because i was out of town.

BUT THIS POST IS ABOUT THANKFULLNESS AND MOTHERS (parents actually) AND THE 4TH OF JULY so it's the best of the three thoughts.

on the 4th of July my mother was again going out of town. my sister (carley) and i were going to drive mom to LAX in the morning. carley and i had made flimsy plans of going to the beach or going home or driving to big bear village; but we didn't want to de anything. we felt apathetic about every thing, and sad around the edges, and thirsty for caffeine.

after we dropped mom off at the airport we parked at a nearby hotel where we tried to break into the continental breakfast from the hotel (because hunger) but breakfast was over. so we got coffee (and bagels dangit) from starbucks. i tried to convince carley that Big Bear Village was only 2 hours away, she tried to tell me Knott's Berry Farm was a better choice if we were going to do something.

we chose Knott's because roller-coasters.

we sipped our coffee and i munched our bagel (and ate the whole thing) and mom called to say she was at her terminal. we got in the car and GPSed our way to Knott's.

we drove into Knott's and paid the $17.50 to park and waltzed right up to buy tickets (which we thought were around $40). tickets were not $40, tickets were $67. Should we back out? no, carley said we had come this far and we were going in even if it meant we starved all day long because we couldn't afford to eat.

but when i went to pay for my ticket the absolutely darling ticket guy said "hey, i have extra coupons, so your ticket is only $41." his name was Timothy and carley and i are HUGE fan of his. we looked for him when we left, but seeing as we arrived at 11:am and left at 11:30pm, he wasn't there.

two things we have learned from our parents: always pack a jacket (dad's advice) and always pack snacks (mom's advice). WE HAD NONE OF THOSE THINGS. but bravely walked into the park anyways. it was too late to turn back.

we started a group text with every member of our family to keep them updated on our adventures.

we waited in line for a ride that was way over hyped. but it was the scariest ride of our life. and also the dumbest and worst/th it ride ever.

we rode rides and reminisced and talked about our childhood (and how our parents used to pack us jackets and snacks when we went to theme parks). we screamed and watched people be dumb and split a chicken sandwich for lunch and thanked God for darling Timothy who gave us a coupon to get in which meant we could eat (because we had packed NO snacks because we are adults and think we know better than mom. WE DON'T.)

at around 4:30pm we were chilly (because we had no jackets because apparently no one listens to dad when he talks about brining a jacket with you, even in summer, they only remember what he says when they are cold) and shivered when we thought how cold we were going to be later when we watched the fireworks (which didn't start till 10:30pm). jackets in the park were so expensive we decided to leave the park, walk to the mall down the street, and buy a cheap jacket.

we texted the group text and admitted our faults to dad and told him our blunder and he playfully derided our forgetfulness in brining a jacket.

we tried TJ Max- but their jackets were too expensive. we tried Forever 21 but they were closed (BECAUSE IT WAS THE 4TH OF JULY AND THEY ARE PATRIOTIC). and in a last ditch effort we tried Sears. after searching every section we found, in the men's section, small blue sweatshirts for $12, and a XXL neon orange sweatshirt for $9. indignant that the huge ugly orange sweatshirt was cheaper than the ones we wanted, and determined to spend less than $10 per sweatshirt, we marched up to the cashier and demanded he give us the blue sweatshirts for $9 each (while excitedly waving the orange one in his face to prove the ridiculousness of the situation).

the darling cashier, whose name was Nathaniel, gave us both sweatshirts from $12. we took a short cut through the Knott's parking lot and back to the park bantering about how super Nathaniel was.

we texted the group text bragging about how we pulled it together to get jackets. dad was impressed.

when we got back to Knott's we drank soda, watched the Mystery Lodge show, made fun of kids from a summer camp while waiting for a roller-coaster that rattled our brains, and fought for a place to watch fireworks.

we thanked God for Nathaniel because it was cold outside but we were warm. carley said she is naming her first child Timothy Nathaniel.

after fireworks we waited in line for one more ride and talked about our parents (and how they are right), and talked about funny things. after the ride we staggered back to our car and demanded we eat McDonald's.

we danced in the car on the way home (which took almost 3 hours because traffic), carley fell asleep and i had to listen to weird Drake songs for 20min because she was gripping the ipod and i couldn't change the song.

crashing into the house back home we were warm and thankful, thankful for seemingly inconsequential parental wisdom (that we now throughly appreciate) and provision of God when we failed to plan. the day may have been a metaphor for our life, but for a lonely holiday in the middle of summer, we'll take it.

white rabbit dreams

i have many faults. the best of which i can’t share. it led to me getting a cat and naming her October Christmas. she is perfect and she will live outside because she doesn’t know the rules of the house |and dad has little faith that she will ever learn them|. this is just an update; it’s the most interesting of occurring events |when October Christmas comes home there will be pictures|.

every first of the month i think of white rabbits, and get excited for the 8^th of the month because that means it’s the monthly anniversary of my birthday |which is now the closest it’s ever been since October 2013| and reflect on the past month which seems like ages ago even though it was just yesterday.

amongst my faults are pinterest. pinterest is not only a way for me to make lofty goals i don’t have the least intention of completing, it is also one of the main means of communication with my youngest sibling |this is not an exaggeration also not a fault|.

it’s the first of the month |or at least it was yesterday| and per usual my thoughts went through their first of the month routine: i thought of white rabbits and got excited for my birthday and when i began to reflect on the previous month i immediately decided not to.

but pinterest would not let me escape. as i was on pinterest this evening i noticed that even my pinestest board would not not let me reflect on how truly lazy i was this summer. even my pinterest, which normally is full of lofty goals, had one board titled “summer goals” |i actually have no idea what it was actually called because i deleted it in a fit of rage|. i not only had one pin on the dang board but i did not even try the pinned activity. and it was easy. it was pizza made on a bar-b-q.

d.u.m. |dumb|

and it made me think: wow, i should make better goals. and i should actually complete the goals i set.

|side note: i am now CPR/First Aid/ AED certified. so that’s good summer accomplishment…|

i am, however, now tan and burned and well-rested. my pool of loved ones has increased exponentially |MPC youth group is the coolest| and i learned i was born to live in district 12. i met princess ariel. i celebrated with a dear friend as she celebrated trying her first pie and welcoming in her 23^rd year of being alive. i camped for the first time in years. i held babies and chatted with nurses about love and careers. i swam with sharks and moved in with dad. i learned I like coffee brewed with cinnamon and i can drink 4 cans of diet root-beers before feeling sick. i enrolled in community college full-time and requested to work part-time. i applied for a job and landed the interview only to decline the job.

i cried and wept and read Lauren Winner’s chapter on mourning from her book Mudhouse Sabbath. i was reminded that i was enough because of Jesus.

i adjusted and fought and screamed. and on August 1, 2014 i sat on an ice chest next to my youngest siblings in Carpenteria, half listening to the reading on I Thessalonians, and keeping thoughts of goals and reflections at bay.

but routine won over and i visited pinterest and was reminded that summer was fun, and beautiful, and magical, albeit devoid of concrete accomplishments, but crisp fall air is just around the corner.

|life starts over again when it gets crisp in the fall –f. scott fitzgerald|

insomnia got me

this blog is not frequented, by anybody. including me.

i abandoned my own blog. in my insomnia (insomniamatic?...i am altogether mostly unfamiliar with insomnia so) state this feels much more dramatic than it actually is as the way to solve the blog abandonment problem is simply for me to begin writing again.

and thus here i am.

i forgot how hard writing can be. and how blogs, due to, perhaps not necessarily the anonymity but the simplicity of writing down thoughts, publishing those written yet intangible words and blasting them for people (or at least those who know me and thus know (maybe) about this (quite abandoned) blog any other way) can and (in some cases) become a public space for

- confession

- complaining

- sympathy seeking (the tidy sermon writer in me wants #3 also to begin with the letter C)- usually due to either one or both of the above first two.

and while i am sure (as i have read them with my own eyes) some are able to use their blog in such a way and still maintain their dignity in Christ, that ever present desire and hard-fully wonder-fully obligation to strive to be like Christ, that is to say Christ-likeness and live up to the name by which we call ourselves: “Christians”

i believe now, in this moment, i am not able to do both the above and maintain the above, this may possibly be why writing has been so long in coming and why i decided to watch a bit of parks and recreation before attempting this post (nothing so incites inflated courage as leslie knope and ann perkins).

i shall most likely revert and be forced then to challenge myself to learn the delicate excellence of balance that i find in others.

insomnia update: my computer time says 10:47pm but i know that it’s being realistically untruthful with me as I am not where it feels I should be and the fault is entirely mine- i neglected to change to time when i flew to the east coast.

so today is march 24^th and i am getting a rather early start on my day today and will use this early start to begin my quest to use each day to the fullest (overused but stick with me).

there are people out there who randomly jump on planes and go to new york because they want to feel more alive. you know who you are. i’ve met you before and have so much *insert word that I am feeling here…admiration and happiness-that-people-like-you-exist-to-share-their-experiences-tion*

there are people out there who decide to ride a camel across australia by herself, alone(ish), and so she moves and trains three camels, and rides them across australia. alone(ish). and I would say more but I haven’t finished the book.

there are people out there who dog-sit their co-worker’s dog overnight and in that small 24ish hour period learn everything there is to know about training a dog because they took a dog training class and the class was in german and now they are fluent in german as well. and so is the dog.

i am not fully sure what sets people in motion to do inspiring things, or why the things they set out to accomplish inspire others when all they are doing is what they would be doing regardless of if anyone was paying attention to their actions.

i decided to find out why people like the above would provide such inspiration to me specifically and made a list of some common factors below:

- travel

- do new things

- desire to find oneself and/ or better oneself

- working with animals (this one is for free as i don’t want to work with animals)

i feel a little behind. in all the things.

i am not out flying to new york on a whim when i feel dead inside. i run. hard and slow until there is nothing left in me to sweat out. because running is safe. not just any running: running in the suburbs, inside a gym, on a treadmill with a safety-string pull to stop the thing if I fall off.

it’s literally no fail running.

i’m also not out training camels or dogs, or learning how to navigate my way through australia using only stars and wildflowers. or picking up german because the skills I needed to learn were being taught in that language.

i was a wee bit overwhelmed. and took a break.

when i realized it was 11:11pm (somewhere) i made a wish. the first wish i won’t share because it’s a tad embarrassing to admit that I wished for something so silly.

so i renounced that first wish then retracted my recant and hoped it wouldn’t be too greedy to wish as much as i could during the 11:11 minuet of wishing. i closed my eyes and decided it would probably be fine to wish as much as i could as long as i opened my eyes and it was still 11:11.

i wished i could wake up and be fluent in french. it may never be as the wish may be void if my sudden bout of insomnia keeps me up all night. irony at it’s finest. to wish for something to be when i wake up and never find out if it was (or is or would be) because i was never able to fall asleep…

during this soul-searching time during 11:11pm on march 23rd or 2:11am on march 24^th (either are fine as the saying “better late than never” applies to one and “carpe diem” applies to the other and both are wonderfully overused sayings that i have the thrill of using at the same time).

and for good reason.

things that i have wanted to do for so long i am working towards. because why not? and although to me it feels like i am arriving late and trying out dreams too late: better late then never, yes?

could it be also, that I am early? not a year graduated from college and not taking a breather? one can breathe while one runs. one must or one dies.

so i continue to run, and i breathe, and i run late, but still talk myself into being ok because maybe i am early if i look at life from a next day/ new phase/ old cliché/ new meaning to me sort of way.

and we are all fine.

running, breathing, simultaneously waiting to get in the zone. to run and run well. to reach the end and hear the words i crave, want, desire, hope for yet hardly daring to hope for

“well done, good and faithful servant”

being a little Christ.

being a Christian

doing right by Christ

knowing Christ will do right by me