white rabbit dreams

i have many faults. the best of which i can’t share. it led to me getting a cat and naming her October Christmas. she is perfect and she will live outside because she doesn’t know the rules of the house |and dad has little faith that she will ever learn them|. this is just an update; it’s the most interesting of occurring events |when October Christmas comes home there will be pictures|.

every first of the month i think of white rabbits, and get excited for the 8^th of the month because that means it’s the monthly anniversary of my birthday |which is now the closest it’s ever been since October 2013| and reflect on the past month which seems like ages ago even though it was just yesterday.

amongst my faults are pinterest. pinterest is not only a way for me to make lofty goals i don’t have the least intention of completing, it is also one of the main means of communication with my youngest sibling |this is not an exaggeration also not a fault|.

it’s the first of the month |or at least it was yesterday| and per usual my thoughts went through their first of the month routine: i thought of white rabbits and got excited for my birthday and when i began to reflect on the previous month i immediately decided not to.

but pinterest would not let me escape. as i was on pinterest this evening i noticed that even my pinestest board would not not let me reflect on how truly lazy i was this summer. even my pinterest, which normally is full of lofty goals, had one board titled “summer goals” |i actually have no idea what it was actually called because i deleted it in a fit of rage|. i not only had one pin on the dang board but i did not even try the pinned activity. and it was easy. it was pizza made on a bar-b-q.

d.u.m. |dumb|

and it made me think: wow, i should make better goals. and i should actually complete the goals i set.

|side note: i am now CPR/First Aid/ AED certified. so that’s good summer accomplishment…|

i am, however, now tan and burned and well-rested. my pool of loved ones has increased exponentially |MPC youth group is the coolest| and i learned i was born to live in district 12. i met princess ariel. i celebrated with a dear friend as she celebrated trying her first pie and welcoming in her 23^rd year of being alive. i camped for the first time in years. i held babies and chatted with nurses about love and careers. i swam with sharks and moved in with dad. i learned I like coffee brewed with cinnamon and i can drink 4 cans of diet root-beers before feeling sick. i enrolled in community college full-time and requested to work part-time. i applied for a job and landed the interview only to decline the job.

i cried and wept and read Lauren Winner’s chapter on mourning from her book Mudhouse Sabbath. i was reminded that i was enough because of Jesus.

i adjusted and fought and screamed. and on August 1, 2014 i sat on an ice chest next to my youngest siblings in Carpenteria, half listening to the reading on I Thessalonians, and keeping thoughts of goals and reflections at bay.

but routine won over and i visited pinterest and was reminded that summer was fun, and beautiful, and magical, albeit devoid of concrete accomplishments, but crisp fall air is just around the corner.

|life starts over again when it gets crisp in the fall –f. scott fitzgerald|

insomnia got me

this blog is not frequented, by anybody. including me.

i abandoned my own blog. in my insomnia (insomniamatic?...i am altogether mostly unfamiliar with insomnia so) state this feels much more dramatic than it actually is as the way to solve the blog abandonment problem is simply for me to begin writing again.

and thus here i am.

i forgot how hard writing can be. and how blogs, due to, perhaps not necessarily the anonymity but the simplicity of writing down thoughts, publishing those written yet intangible words and blasting them for people (or at least those who know me and thus know (maybe) about this (quite abandoned) blog any other way) can and (in some cases) become a public space for

- confession

- complaining

- sympathy seeking (the tidy sermon writer in me wants #3 also to begin with the letter C)- usually due to either one or both of the above first two.

and while i am sure (as i have read them with my own eyes) some are able to use their blog in such a way and still maintain their dignity in Christ, that ever present desire and hard-fully wonder-fully obligation to strive to be like Christ, that is to say Christ-likeness and live up to the name by which we call ourselves: “Christians”

i believe now, in this moment, i am not able to do both the above and maintain the above, this may possibly be why writing has been so long in coming and why i decided to watch a bit of parks and recreation before attempting this post (nothing so incites inflated courage as leslie knope and ann perkins).

i shall most likely revert and be forced then to challenge myself to learn the delicate excellence of balance that i find in others.

insomnia update: my computer time says 10:47pm but i know that it’s being realistically untruthful with me as I am not where it feels I should be and the fault is entirely mine- i neglected to change to time when i flew to the east coast.

so today is march 24^th and i am getting a rather early start on my day today and will use this early start to begin my quest to use each day to the fullest (overused but stick with me).

there are people out there who randomly jump on planes and go to new york because they want to feel more alive. you know who you are. i’ve met you before and have so much *insert word that I am feeling here…admiration and happiness-that-people-like-you-exist-to-share-their-experiences-tion*

there are people out there who decide to ride a camel across australia by herself, alone(ish), and so she moves and trains three camels, and rides them across australia. alone(ish). and I would say more but I haven’t finished the book.

there are people out there who dog-sit their co-worker’s dog overnight and in that small 24ish hour period learn everything there is to know about training a dog because they took a dog training class and the class was in german and now they are fluent in german as well. and so is the dog.

i am not fully sure what sets people in motion to do inspiring things, or why the things they set out to accomplish inspire others when all they are doing is what they would be doing regardless of if anyone was paying attention to their actions.

i decided to find out why people like the above would provide such inspiration to me specifically and made a list of some common factors below:

- travel

- do new things

- desire to find oneself and/ or better oneself

- working with animals (this one is for free as i don’t want to work with animals)

i feel a little behind. in all the things.

i am not out flying to new york on a whim when i feel dead inside. i run. hard and slow until there is nothing left in me to sweat out. because running is safe. not just any running: running in the suburbs, inside a gym, on a treadmill with a safety-string pull to stop the thing if I fall off.

it’s literally no fail running.

i’m also not out training camels or dogs, or learning how to navigate my way through australia using only stars and wildflowers. or picking up german because the skills I needed to learn were being taught in that language.

i was a wee bit overwhelmed. and took a break.

when i realized it was 11:11pm (somewhere) i made a wish. the first wish i won’t share because it’s a tad embarrassing to admit that I wished for something so silly.

so i renounced that first wish then retracted my recant and hoped it wouldn’t be too greedy to wish as much as i could during the 11:11 minuet of wishing. i closed my eyes and decided it would probably be fine to wish as much as i could as long as i opened my eyes and it was still 11:11.

i wished i could wake up and be fluent in french. it may never be as the wish may be void if my sudden bout of insomnia keeps me up all night. irony at it’s finest. to wish for something to be when i wake up and never find out if it was (or is or would be) because i was never able to fall asleep…

during this soul-searching time during 11:11pm on march 23rd or 2:11am on march 24^th (either are fine as the saying “better late than never” applies to one and “carpe diem” applies to the other and both are wonderfully overused sayings that i have the thrill of using at the same time).

and for good reason.

things that i have wanted to do for so long i am working towards. because why not? and although to me it feels like i am arriving late and trying out dreams too late: better late then never, yes?

could it be also, that I am early? not a year graduated from college and not taking a breather? one can breathe while one runs. one must or one dies.

so i continue to run, and i breathe, and i run late, but still talk myself into being ok because maybe i am early if i look at life from a next day/ new phase/ old cliché/ new meaning to me sort of way.

and we are all fine.

running, breathing, simultaneously waiting to get in the zone. to run and run well. to reach the end and hear the words i crave, want, desire, hope for yet hardly daring to hope for

“well done, good and faithful servant”

being a little Christ.

being a Christian

doing right by Christ

knowing Christ will do right by me